Steve "Turtleneck" Jobs Has Won.

I finally broke down and bought it.

The 3G.

And it sucks.

Still basking in the glory that is my new promotion and raise, my husband "discovered" that we're up for phone upgrades (see "iPhone Suicide"). I decided he totally deserved a new phone--whatever he wanted, but I didn't really need a new phone. My iPhone works just fine.

Except that it's sometimes a little slow.

And that will occasionally lose signal.

And the fact that I've dropped it a gazillion times on hard surfaces. Like concrete.

We went to the AT&T store (formerly Cingular that was formerly AT&T), and my husband went to drool over all the smartphones. He eventually decided on a Samsung Blackjack II, and even got the Bluetooth earpiece. I made fun of him all day by quoting lines from the "Bret Gives Up the Dream" episode of Flight of the Conchords where Bret is talking on his Bluetooth, saying things like, "I've got a 5:00, then a 6:00...alright...I'll pencil you in," even though he doesn't even have a phone to use it with.

I wasn't making fun of him to be mean...I was just jealous.

The store had Bluetooth devices, and I want/need one. Since moving into our new house, my commute time has been slashed in half...but that doesn't mean I don't still try to squeeze in some talk time with family members in the morning on the way in to work.

A Bluetooth device would make it somewhat safer...although studies have shown that talking on a cell phone, even hands free, is not the safest thing to do. Plus Oregon is going to ban handheld phones in the car soon, and I wanted an excuse to "get used to it" early.

Only I tried the store's in-ear Bluetooth device, and it didn't even fit in my ear. Not even close.

You see, I have tiny elf-like ears.

I didn't realize how small they were until sophomore year of high school, when some jerk boy pointed at me and said, "Look at your cute little ears! They're so small!!" I was self-conscious about my ears sticking out from my head (a classic Mueller trait), but now I was self-conscious about looking like a petite, blonde Shrek.

Maybe my ears are small for preventative reasons (like preventing me from pulling a Ralph Wiggum and inserting a crayon to tickle my eardrum...but I have never felt so inclined), but I can't fit normal ear things into my teeny ears.

Back in 2005, my husband bought me my first iPod (it was a pink Mini). I jumped with excitement as I raced to open it. I loaded it up, and then on a car ride to his parents' house, I prepared to listen to all my nifty songs packaged in a cute little pink rectangle. I went to put the earbuds in my ears, and...nothing. They wouldn't even fit inside my ears. I couldn't even get part of them in my ears.

I was devastated. I had this new toy and couldn't even use it!!

I had to break down and buy the $40 Apple In-Ear Headphones. I must say I love them. I love the sound quality, and they fit in my ears. Once I have them in, they work better than any noise-canceling headphone on the market. I can't hear ANY outside noise once they're in.

But Apple has yet to make an In-Ear Bluetooth device because their neato black stick-of gum-looking Bluetooth device is just like their earbuds: too big for my small ears.

So my husband got his nifty smartphone and his Bluetooth device, and now he was pushing me to get the 3G.

It was enticing. But I wanted to spend that money on other prospects.

Like clothing.

I'll write a blog on that later.

Eventually he wore me down and I ventured into the very packed Apple store (the very one where I used to work), and asked if they had 3Gs in stock. They did.

I then inquired about the white iPhone. The "Jesus Phone."

They call it the Jesus Phone because at first it was really hard to find when the 3G first debuted. It only comes in 16G (Apple is notorious for this--if you want the different color, pay more!), and it is gorgeous. Plus it matches my MacBook. Like it matters...

My husband was only prepared to pay for the 8G iPhone. I wanted the white Jesus Phone. This is one of the rare instances where I pulled out 'Ol Puppy Dog Eyes.

I realized early on in our relationship that weapons such as 'Ol Puppy Dog Eyes, Sneaky Guilt Trip, and Five-Year-Old Tantrum Throwing should be used sparingly for the best results and the least amount of backlash later.

I had already used Five-Year-Old Tantrum in Target back in March to get my coveted giraffe-print Steve Madden knockoffs. I had been eyeing the giraffe print platform peep-toes for months when I first saw them...but the Maddens were $110--impossible to even hide since we were in homebuying saving mode. And then I saw a knockoff version at Target...and they fit. And they were comfortable. These shoes were in a 99th percentile of being in my regular shoe-wearing repertoire. Anything less usually means a) they're not comfortable, or they are comfortable for up to four to eight hours, only for me to limp home and race for the band-aids, b) they're not as cute. I had to have these $23 shoes. So I pulled out the Tantrum. In the middle of Target. And I got them.

I can't remember the last time I used Sneaky Guilt Trip. SGT has to be used the most sparingly. Both our families are old Guilt Trip Masters, and my husband and I have become really good at guilt trips...the only thing is that we can't use guilt trips on one another--they won't work. In order for them to work, we have to use Jedi-like mind tricks...which is the Sneaky Guilt Trip. But it can't be used very often or it won't work as effectively.

So 'Ol Puppy Dog Eyes was it. And it worked. I got the Jesus Phone.

It is gorgeous.

It matches my MacBook.

It drops calls.

It loses signal.

It...sucks.

Thank goodness I bought it only a week before they released the update to fix those issues. I would have been homicidal if I had it since its launch.

So there you go, Mr. Black Turtleneck "I'm Not Dead" Jobs. You win.

You win this time.